The letters

I am beginning to forget things

Like my reading glasses

or the sentence I just read

what I was about to say

why I am having a conversation

who this very familiar person is

Today, I found myself staring at my screen, having no idea why I opened my laptop

oblivious to the fact that the bell rang several minutes ago

I did not remember the twenty-five kids waiting outside my classroom

I didn’t have keys for that door anyway, I forgot to bring them to work.

I was hungry, because my lunch was still in my fridge at home,

and tired, because my body forgot to fall asleep the night before

And sad because, for the first time ever

I had forgotten to tell myself that I was happy.

My colleges think I need a girlfriend. Or to drink with them more often.

My boyfriend thinks I should see a doctor.

My boss is worried that she might have overworked me.

I tell them I feel a bit under the weather

Just a cold, probably,

And so I called in sick today.

I am not sick

nor am I overworked

or depressed

or just tired

I don’t have dementia

there is no tumor in my brain.

Just letters.

Pages upon pages

written in electricity upon the white matter of my brain

until not a tiny speck of it is white no more

the words clog my dendrites

the voice of my five, and my ten, and my twenty year old selves

drown out all sound

makes me go

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

I am not sick,

I am just filled up and overflowing

with letters never sent

to my father

to my mother

to my boyfriend

to my stupid, ungrateful changeling baby brother

Letters to the teacher who taught me to teach

to the freedom fighter who taught me to sing

to the neighbour who taught me

water can be thicker than blood if it really wants to

and is heart warm with enough honey spooned in

to the man that rid me of my virginity

and the scum that stole my innocence away

I need a post box.

This is what I could muster.

It would be nice if my letters reached fathers not yet dead.

Or mothers not yet forced to choose the other child.

Lovers still brave enough to love

Brothers

Freedom fighters

Scum

But the main thing is

I need them out of my head.

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